Sunday, August 30th, 2009
an effective relationship stems from the same principles whether you are an individual or a country
East meets west
I was attending a meeting the other day in Tokyo. The attendees were multinational, including ambassadors from 15 countries, spanning the globe, plus visitors from the U.S., Israel, India, Thailand, Korea, China, and others. We were reminded that the goal of the meeting is to find a way to establish world peace. (No, it wasn't a beauty pageant.) The MC commented that the "eastern way" is listening and the "western way" is dialog. My immediate reaction to that statement was that neither way, by itself, will accomplish much of anything, much like the idea that a half of a ball won't roll. We need to take the risk to do both.
This principle is not exclusive to world leaders seeking peace for the planet. It is also vital for our own personal relationships. As a matter of fact, if we don't take the time and effort to do this in our private lives, how can we ever expect that we can be effective as leaders of the world? We have to learn to be faithful in the small things before we can take on a larger tasks. Taking the risk to 1. speak your mind, 2. express your impression of a situation, 3. analyze what the impression means to you and how it makes you feel, then 4. state what you need to move to the next level can feel intimidating. It takes thought, time and patience, not only with others but with yourself. And just like speaking your mind feels risky, so can listening. You don't always hear what you want to hear. Sometimes it can feel like an attack or a threat or, at the very least, disapproval or discontent. There is not always a warm and fuzzy way to convey information. Sometimes it stings a little, just like mom used to say before she put mercurchrome on your cut.
Status quo, whether it is working for you or not, can feel pretty comfortable. Change, on the other hand, no matter how freeing, can feel like a threat. However, doing things the same old way, achieving the same old results and never actually accomplishing your goals is not only unsatisfying, but frankly it's stupid. If I have a leg (or anything else that's broken) and it is not healing properly, it might have to be re-broken and re-set so that I can walk properly. Yes, I suppose I can opt not to go through the pain and inconvenience of working through the healing process and continue an awkward and painful hobble for the rest of my life, but why would I want to do that? Yet that is precisely what most of us do in our daily lives!
In our relationships with one another, whether an individual or a country, thoughtful confrontation of the issues, while not a walk in the park, promotes intimacy and understanding. You can't get it just by listening; and you can't achieve it by talking it to death. Both sides need to talk, listen, and then develop a plan for change. It doesn't have to be a comprehensive plan. It only needs to be one small action. One promise (followed by action) to change a behavior, to do things differently, to put another's needs and interests at least on a level with your own. The feminine principle of the receptive yin, cannot be complete without the masculine, active yang, but together, they create the ball that rolls. They originate from the same place and end in the same place and one cannot exist without the other. Together they make a complete concept. Listening, yes, but you cannot listen if there is no dialog. East needs west; without one, there is no other. If you and I cannot communicate, there is no relationship. You can call it marriage; you can call it parenting; you can call it friendship, you can call it an alliance, but without the back and forth communication, is it really?
World peace is accomplished one person, one relationship, one group, one community, one country at a time. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." (Tao te ching). Will you be the one to take it?
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